Fartleks: April 2009

The Director's Cut commentary track on the most memorable Tweets of the month:

warrenellis: Okay, now I need to find some clothes. Wait, no I don't -- I'm a writer!
(It's funny cuz it's true; oh to have the life of a [famous and well-paid] writer)

warrenellis: Menacing foreigners is tiring, thirsty work. Time for a pint of espresso, and to sit and think about the world. (And take off my pants.)
(Even though it was three days later, Mr. Ellis was still part of the No Pants lobby. My love for this one can be found in the first sentence; the idea of going out and 'menacing foreigners' is funny to me. I suppose that is because I'm not the one being harassed.)

warrenellis: HATE! HATE, I SAY! NNNNG HATEGASM
(Mr. Ellis was expressing his anger re: Twitter's recent inability to handle their new popularity. A 'hategasm' is a good word; I think I shall use it.)

aplusk: I just tried to update my twitter status by programming my microwave. and I'm pretty sure it @ replied me
(I actually laughed out loud when I read this tweet. At times, Mr. Kutcher throws out a gem that makes following him, and his frequent tweets, worthwhile.)

warrenellis: No-one ever gets me a death ray as a holiday gift.
(Given Mr. Ellis' admitted fetish for menacing foreigners, it is probably for the best that he isn't armed with villainous weapons.)

oopspow: How come Cyclops never uses his laser eyes to just saw peoples' heads off from like 200 yards away? That's what I'd do.
(This tweet not only asks a good question, but lead to a brief back-and-forth re: the Summers brothers and Phoenix. Geek much? 'Nuff said.)

oopspow: @schuettn Shueyville got a new Pope?
(I must give Adam praise for his witty response to my tweet that proclaimed white smoke was rising from Shueyville. A religion joke gets two thumbs up.)

schuettn: White House on high alert after protester tea bags the White House. http://is.gd/sDDL
(The 'scrotal humor' as Jon Stewart referred to it was too much to pass up. The entire tea bag protest was ridiculous; the Republicans continue to act like children after losing the White House.)

ThatKevinSmith: And I don't mean queer in that awesome, mano y mano cock-sucking way. I mean queer as is "He's super-queer for Gretzky." Old school queer.
(Offensive and funny; sure to be a party favorite!)

Inksmith: Angelina, seriously, mix in a condom, maybe a pill, and stop trying to bring half of Africa over here one child at a time.
(The celebrity adoption fetish is disturbing. What is wrong with adopting American children?)

warrenellis: It's one of those "lift skull-lid and pour Red Bull on my naked brain" days.
(It just so happened that I could really empathize with Mr. Ellis on that day. Hopefully the Red Bull-straight-to-brain method avoids the upset stomach and bad after taste I get from Red Bull.)

StephenAtHome: fun-sized candy bars? they're slaughtered before they can grow to full size--what's 'fun' about that?
(A fun play on words that led to a chuckle from me.)

StephenAtHome: this is not supposed to be its own tweet. it's a support-tweet for the previous tweet. good job, previous tweet.
(Again, just another chuckle inspiring tweet from Mr. Colbert.)

schuettn: Sent in my time sheet and my resignation from the Daily Iowan. $20/mo ain't worth it.
(It was a long time, or so it felt, coming. I was never an editoral writer for the money, but the time it took versus the low wages and budget problems they have made the entire thing too onerous to keep with it.)

schuettn: My dog likes pretzels; in other shocking news, the Cubs are losing, Pujols hit a HR, ppl die needlessly in Iraq, and our President is black.
(Oscar will eat almost anything that isn't a raw vegetable, that's why this is funny.)

neilhimself: Is there anywhere I could order a clutching dead zombie hand that would stand up to midwestern outdoors weather? It's to perk up a headstone
(From anyone else this might be a very odd and concerning request. From Neil Gaiman, it's par for the course.)

Inksmith: Lapsus Calami, now with commenting abilites! Same great suckage, without the discouraging indifference!
(A funny and self-deprecating plug for Nate's new blog. http://lapsuscalami.tumblr.com/ )

warrenellis: You know what I need? Another cigarette, and to punch myself in the junk eight or nine times. Be right back
warrenellis: Not at the same time. I might drop my cigarette.
(Funny cuz it's true)

oopspow: Took some vitamins yesterday, which perfectly achieved their one desired effect: neon green urine.
(Personally peeing a color reserved for Gatorade is always a bit alarming, but the tweet is on-point.)

escapepirate: Storm's comin'. I can hear (and feel) the thunder in the distance. The last ribbon of sunlight is swallowed by the gathering darkness. Rain.
(So ominous and brooding... must be all the hate pirates are getting lately.)

warrenellis: Swine flu reaches Australia: Australians unsure how to deal with something they can't fuck, drink, deport or barbecue
(Another offensive and hilarious tweet. More on topic is the utter hatred I have for the alarmist media coverage of the swine (yet-can't-get-it-from-eating-pork) flu.)